The Sixth Day Of Christmas

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED

On the Sixth Day of Christmas Harlow and I saw Roxanne at the park-

With a Six Geese a-playing....

Moments later those Geese had Roxanne for Luuuuuuunch!

My oh my what a big mouth you have Rogaine

Love you!!

The Fifth Day Of Christmas

On the fifth day of Christmas a sweet little, kind and caring elf had found a Golden Ring !

But then along came greedy Roxanne and she stole that Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!

P.S. Roxanne, That ring is evil and powerful and your future is DOOMED.

Love you!

The Fourth day of Christmas

On the Fourth day of Christmas Roxanne purchased Four Calling Cards......

With which she came in contact with her four favoriiiiiite birds!

You better be careful Roxanne!

The Third Day of Christmas

On the third day of Christmas Harlow and I couldn't believe our eyes,

It was Roxanne's creepy new disguise~

Is that a French Hen Roxanne?? Ugh.

Roxanne is so weird. I can't believe we're related.

Love you!!

The Second Day of Christmas...

On the second day of Christmas Harlow and I saw the most ridiculous thing,

Roxanne riding a Turtle Dove down the streeeeeeeeet!

Eww. You are so gross Roxanne. Love You!!

The First Day Of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, Harlow and I both had a scaaaary dreeeeeaaaam:

That creepy, weird Roxanne was stalking us from an old pear tree! Eww.

Get a Life Roxanne! Love you!

Oh Dear!

For those of you who have not heard, Roxanne was never eaten on Thanksgiving. She esacped.

Just as we were about to take a bite of her turkey legs, she stood up on them and walked out of our traditional family dinner.

Here in Puerto Rico it is family tradition to eat a twice removed cousin turned dragon turned turkey for dinner. Unfortunately this year, tradition was broken.

If my Aunt Debbie can't roast Roxanne for our Christmas Dinner, our family spirit will be shattered and this holiday season will be one we won't want to remember.

STAY ALERT AND KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND IN SEARCH OF THIS EVIL ROXANNE. SHE WILL MOST LIKELY BE DISGUISING HERSELF THESE NEXT 13 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

Happy Holidays!!

Happy Birthday Mr. Fanortner!

ThanksRoxGiving

Dearest Earthlings. Our deepest apologies for the brief hiatus. We regret to inform you that we never found Roxanne in her dragon form.

But, it is Thanksgiving time and time to show thanks.

Let us now tell you what we are thankful for.

We have found Roxanne in Turkey Form!! Since we failed to catch her before, we hired a professional turkey hunter specialist to do it for us.

Introducing: NEMESIS DE ROGZANNE (Enemy of Roxanne)

And, it looks like she caught you nasty Roxanne! Time to have our Uncle Pete cut you up with his turkey cutter!!

Next, our Aunt Debbie and Lola will serve you serve you on a nice porcelain plate!!

Nothing says Thanksgiving Party like two sweethearts raising their hands through the roof!! Glad you could make it Gladiss and Grace! We're happy you are both safe and sound!!

Dinner is served!! You make a delicious meal Roxanne!! Yum! Enjoy and get stuffed earthlings!!

Eat up dogs! Libby baby and Lulu sweetie love to eat an old bird every now and then!

Godbless you ROGAINE! And Happy Thanksgiving my love!

Ready..Set..GO!!

We left our lovely godmother out of the Thanksgiving post so that we could honor her in her very own special post!



Dear Best Friend,

God bless you on your Germany Journey! Bless the lovely friend who gets to have you in her company, bless the ground you walk on and the food you eat! I know being a superstar gets tough and leaving to perform in Germany the day after we eat Roxanne for dinner might be tiring, but, may you have a safe and happy time in your travels.

We love you more than anything! You are an amazing example of true greatness.

GOD BLESS YOU FRIENDO!!

Ich schau dir in die Augen, Kleines!

An Introduction

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE
SU ATENCION POR FAVOR
Ladies and Gentlemen, please allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Sage Rianna Chase. I will be narrating this site of events. For those of you who do not know me, (and I am unsure of how this is possible) I am of German heritage. I was brought to the United States of America in the year 2000 by a very kind, wonderful heart whom I refer to as my pet. My appearance is as follows: fancy short legs, a shiny black and gray outfit and a long body. I... am.... Beautiful! There is nothing that compares to my beauty. Nothing.
My sidekick, soulmate and best friend is Harlow Sagist. There is not much to know of this creature other than that she was born on a farm in Bluffdale, Utah. Awful, I know. Her skin is silver and her eyes are as cold as ice. She...is....NOT as beautiful as me. Might I remind you, nobody is.
Harlow and I share one fine talent and that is that we were both born to hunt and retrieve.
We are allowing you to join us on our greatest mission ever- To find the terrible, disgusting, life altering, fire breathing, portrait painting, Indian loving, fierce and offensive looking dragon: Roxanne.
This mission/hunt was assigned to us when that nasty dragon Roxanne captured and stole two women of great purpose and royalty:
Queen Grace of the far-away kingdom: Roosevelta', and The Great Gladdiss of the magical land of PowaWOWa.
Please follow us as we journey through the unknown to save these admirable, inspiring old women and destroy that cruel, evil dragon Roxanne once and for all!

God Bless

Our mission:

Saving these Beautiful Humans

Part 1

Before we begin our journey we must seek spiritual help. There is only one person on planet earth who we can turn to in our desperate situation. This person is the wisest spiritual guru of our time. Her name is Liberty Bell. She resides under a waterfall in a distant sanctuary which we must not disclose the location of.

I met Liberty Bell many years ago at a Convention for the Beautiful. She has a beautiful soul, I have a beautiful face. Can you see the connection we have?

Harlow and I travel very far to be enclosed by Liberty's peaceful presence. We spend hours meditating with her until the advice she has to offer us is suddenly reveiled.

"You must travel to a disgusting place." Liberty states. "Disgusting dragons named Roxanne like to be surrounded by disgusting scenery." And so it is determined that we will start our journey by going south of this sanctuary and heading toward the most filthy swamps we can find. Roxanne loves to bathe in swamps. She always has. She is so gross. And so, we will begin in a swamp.

God bless you Liberty Bell.

Part 2

It is now day three of swamp searching for the nasty, old Roxanne. Harlow and I have had no luck in finding her. We have decided to set up camp in the swamp we are currently in. Harlow will cook me a hot dog (that is my favorite treat) and she will enjoy her kibble.

As I sit waiting for her to serve my dinner, I notice something lurking behind the moss covered trees. What is this creature I ask myself? Finally after what seems like an eternity, it shows itself.

 

It is the most awful looking troll I ever seen (Other than Roxanne). Its full appearance eliminates my appetite and I send Harlow over to examine it. Even she shows fear when approaching it. As Harlow gets closer to the gremlin, it begins to speak in it's hideous voice. 

"My name is Christine and I live in this swamp, it is my home." It explains. "I noticed that the two of you have been searching for something and I have come to offer my swamp expertise." 

I do not trust this creepy critter Christine. I want to instruct Harlow that we must leave but something keeps me listening. "I believe you are searching for my grandmother, Roxanne the dragon." The creature reveals. "Roxanne is the only thing other than my  beastly self that hangs around in this filthy swamp. You missed her by only one day. She was flying through with two old ladies attached to her back just yesterday." The swamp monster now has my full attention. She offers no more information until Harlow and I agree to let her join us on our journey. As much as I don't want Christine traveling with us, I realize what detailed information she can provide us with as we search for her grandmother, Roxanne. She explains that Roxanne advised her that she was on her way to the elf infested town of McAnn. It is 500 miles west of this swamp. 

We plan to leave at sunrise. I am not sure what would motivate this little ogre to want to hunt her own grandmother with us but I am sure we will find out more from her as we continue on. 

Interlude

Dear Readers/Viewers,

While Harlow and I take turns driving to our next destination, I would like to take some time and give you some background on the two beloved beauty's we are fighting so hard to save,  the two doll's that are the reason for this journey. 

Today I will speak of the delightful Gladiss the Wonderful of PowaWOWa. She was just minding her own business when that awful Roxanne ripped her away from normal life.

Gladiss was born many years ago in a beautiful castle in a very far away place. Instantly she become royalty as she was the only living heir to some king who was occupying that castle. She was a joy the day she was born and she remains a joy almost 40 years later.

Gladiss got her 15 minutes of fame when she starred in a very low budget film 150 years ago called "Gone with the Wind". If you haven't heard of it, you're not alone. Many have not.

Once filming was over, it was apparent that Gladiss and her Gone with the Wind co-star, some unknown Ohioan named Clark Gable, (If you haven't heard of him, once again, you are not alone. Many have not) were in love. They exchanged vows in a small ceremony conducted by the precious Reverend Al Sharpton, and spent the next few years having offspring. 

After Clark died of coronary thombosis in November of 1960, Gladiss decided to dedicate her time to saving lost Miniature Dachshunds in the city of PowaWOWa. No, that is not where I came into her picture. Like I said, I am a true German. It is, however, where many of my beautiful Dachshund family members were rescued and brought back to life by Gladiss the Great. Isn't Gladiss so adorable? God Bless Her! I will extricate her from the danger that the dragon Roxanne has put her in.

Tomorrow, I will introduce you a little more to Queen Grace of Roosevelta'. Until then, this is Sage Rianna Chase and I am signing out for the evening. Goodnight.

Another Interlude

Hello again. We are still traveling and as promised, I will now tell you more about Queen Grace.

Queen Grace's name is actually very misleading. She was born-: Aunt Grace, in the booming town of Roosevelta'. Orphaned from the beginning, she was raised from the time she was one month old on by a small pack of wolves. They named her Honorary Chief Wolf when she become old and wise enough to start leading the pack. Aunt Grace loved and cared for all of the wolves in her pack. She was a goddess in their eyes. She became very close with a particular wolf pup but we will get to that another time.

Once she grew into her own, Aunt Grace decided that there was more to do with her life than to sit around and howl at the moon. And so, with great sadness, she left her pack.

Flying airplanes was always part of Aunt Grace's "life agenda" and so that is what she did. Honorary Chief Wolf Aunt Grace received her first set of gold wings after she circled this once rumored- "flat earth" three times in a row. The first human to ever complete this path flying solo in a single engine plane. Often hailed as a true American aviation pioneer, Aunt Grace wanted to do more with her already well accomplished life.  

 However, true love found her before she could reach her next goal. She married Brookline, Massachusetts native John F. Kennedy in 1955. Together, they had two children. One of them however, went missing on its 2nd Birthday. That female child was never seen or heard from again. Aunt Grace was devastated. 

With a broken heart, she decided to travel to PowaWOWa to visit her dear old friend Gladiss. Once there, Aunt Grace was struck with the desire to want to help all of the homeless children in PowaWOWa. With her best friend busy rescuing dogs, Grace became preoccupied rescuing children. It was during this time that she received her newest title: Mother GRRace-a.   

Aunt Grace was never reunited with John F. Kennedy again, as he was assasinated in 1960. God bless his soul. The couple's only known existing child was left to care for itself. We will get to this topic another time as well.

With a life full of triumph, success and good deeds, Aunt Grace was knighted a Queen by a man who is a true "Prince"- Prince Rogers Nelson- or otherwise known as: The Artist Formerly known as Prince.

Grace too was minding her own business when that horrid dragon Roxanne swept her away.

And so, I hope you can now truly see why it is so important for Harlow and I to redeem these two significant citizens.

Part 3

Greetings from the town of McAnn!

It has been such a busy weekend since our arrival in this new place.

Day 1 here was spent greeting and dining with the town elf ruler and namesake- McAnn. She is quite the heroine. Harlow and I were very grateful to have spent a full day gallivanting around this territory under her lead.

While we were having the time of our lives doing that, Christine was locked in the trunk of our car. After spending days driving mile after mile in her presence, Harlow and I decided that she needed a little time out. And the trunk of our little green car sounded like the perfect place for her.

Later on, McAnn introduced us to her slaves-two ghoulish characters named Orlalegolas and Bloomturner. They were not nice, nor were they trusting of my sidekick and I.

I have a very strong feeling that the two of them are conspiring against us. I hope to probe their consciences when the time is right and see what their story is.

McAnn however, was very welcoming. She has agreed to endorse our journey. God Bless her! She also gave us directions to the bed and breakfast that the hideous Roxanne was staying at. By the time we had gotten there though, Roxanne was long gone.

With our luck running low, we asked McAnn who we could turn to for guidance advice. And so, McAnn made us a last minute appointment with her Guidance Counselor, Dr. Peter Moreau. Long ago, back in 1997, Dr. Moreau had upset the balance of nature. By turning animals into humans, he had turned heaven into hell. But, he learned from his mistakes and now Dr. Moreau is just a guidance couselor at McAnn Elementary.

Dr Moreau's advice: "Go to the Gates of Doom."

When I asked what made him so sure that this was where Roxanne was, he handed me a postcard that Roxanne had just sent to him.

After letting Christine out of the trunk to stretch her creepy critter legs for a moment, we were off- To the Gates of Doom!

The Ransom Note

The drive to The Gates of Doom is quite long. Please bear with us as we take our sweet, sweet time to travel. We will be making a short stop in the town of Oz quite soon where we will have time to further update you on our journey.
Until then, I will be making this ransom note public. I received it from a messenger owl late last night. It is from yours truly: DISGUSTING ROXANNE

Viewer discretion is advised

From Roxanne
Sent:Tue 8/05/08 6:44 PM
"What, did you run out of things to write about? Lazy creature! I spew at you little dogs and your story.
I recently returned from Roosevelta where I wreaked havoc on the life of your precious Grace. I locked her into a building of which only I carry the code and key to entry. You shall not see her again. I have acquired the help of my little munchkin Vincenzo, and he will be watching everything you say and do. I have instructed him to set traps within your home, he is very talented and you will never know when one hits you! Watch for his deadly pooper bomb, it releases time lapse toxins into your home, which will effect you precious puppies!
Gladiss is indeed on my list next. I shall lock her up also and or hire someone from Powawowa to take her and put her somewhere where her and Grace will be in contact with me and me only. We shall conquer this little world of yours and rule forever. Martini's and clubbing will become the law of the land and only those with special membership will be let into our little club of sin.
Sleep *expletive* and may the bed bugs bite!!! Hard!!
Your ever loving and not so loyal,
Dragon Roxanne"

The Spay and Neuter Clinic

Dear readers,

For those wondering what the long delay in between posts was- it was because on our way to Oz, I decided that Harlow needed to visit the Spay and Neuter clinic. It is pretty much the scariest place that we have ever journeyed to other than to Roxanne's winter hideout in Wanship, Utah.

Anyway, after a long 8 hour surgery and a weekend of rest, Harlow is no longer capable of having offspring. Thank goodness!

God bless you Harlow!!

Oz

Enter OZ: The magical community run by fairies, nome's, mermaids and nymphs.

Oz is roughly rectangular in shape, and divided along the diagonals into four countries: Munchkin Country (but commonly referred to as 'Munchkinland') in the East, Winkie Country in the West, (sometimes West and East are reversed on maps of Oz, Gillikin Country in the North, and Quadling Country in the South. In the center of Oz, where the diagonals cross, is the fabled Emerald City, capital of the land of Oz and seat to the monarch of Oz, Princess Ozma.

Upon arrival in Oz, we were warned of the evil, wicked witch: Kathy of Sandy, whom all of Oz fears.







Kathy of Sandy's life goal was to intimidate a sweet child called Samorthy. Samorthy is the long, lost daughter of the beloved Aunt Grace aka Queen Grace aka Mother GRRace-a aka Fancy Face Grace.








Samorthy and her little dog Froto were sent to live in Oz by the disgusting dragon Roxanne for unknown reasons. Roxanne worked hard from a distance with the wicked witch Kathy of Sandy to make poor Samorthy's life a living hell. They were succeeding until Harlow and I came walking into the picture.


With our brave faces on, Harlow and I took the time to go and speak with the wicked witch on behalf of Samorthy.

"Wicked witch, why do you cause harm to this sweet child Samorthy?" I asked.
"EEEEEE, EEEEEE, HEEEEEE WHOOOO, HAAAAAAA, EEEEEE AAAAAAAAAHHHH." Replied the wicked witch.
I understood it didn't speak my native tongue.
And so Harlow fetched the creepy swamp monster Christine from the trunk of our car hoping that she would be able to translate. When the two of them returned to Kathy of Sandy and I, Kathy's face lit up at the sight of the creepy Christine and Christine's creepy face lit up at the site of Kathy.


The two of them were obviously in love. Very gross. I know.



And just like that, we were able to trade our little swamp monster free and clear for the freedom of the sweet child, Samorthy. I can only assume that the critter Christine and the Wicked witch Kathy lived happily ever after in Oz. I will never know.



We spent the rest of our time in Oz with Samorthy and some weird guy looking for that awful Roxanne but we had no such luck. Until that is, when Samorthy received a call from her dear friend Alegzandra of Japan who was reporting a dragon sighting just minutes before calling to warn Samorthy.

And so, to nobody's surprise- to the depths of Japan we were headed!!















PLEASE STAND BY